A flickering light
on and off
shadows reemerging,
disappearing
I speak to you through this
through the walls
I state your name to the sky
I speak to you through the traditions we’ve established,
through cards
crosses
statues of the virgin mary
red peppers.
I burn candles in front of you
I may feel myself dying. This is the cost of the work. I will learn to separate what is mine and what isn’t.
I cleanse myself with flowers and perfumes
I sing for you and you alone
everything dances.
I don’t expect you to keep your appointments, I show up on time regardless
I voidgaze with you
I remember your smell, on christmas eve, your ring tightly grasping to your finger
I scream my sorrow and my rage, I share my food.
Jouissance, a little death, a synthesis of pleasure and pain, a doorway.
I see you unbothered, surrounded by water, drenched in chlorine.
Your joints stretch, bones crackle.
You buy worlds for me, small men trapped in their moment of death
small men that I play with, chew on, throw, kill and cherish.
Small men you cannot afford, not really.
You don’t expect me to keep my appointments, I show up on time regardless
the smell of cleanliness burns
the smell of hospital food disgusts.
The safest, deadliest place on earth.
your skin sticks to the bed, you left nothing but a page of words.
One singular sheet of paper explaining the reasons for my existence.
I kiss your cold forehead
I learn to take my armor off, the dead are hungry.